Day 12

Day 12

January 31^st

Let me preface this next blog by stating I got sick last night. Nothing major just a cold. I decided the best remedy would be sleep, so as soon as I got back from survival Arabic at 8:00 P.M. until 9:00 the next morning I slept. Granted I didn’t get much chance to study Arabic, but I felt more alert and my mind felt clearer.

I learned something very important today. I am nobody special. I am not exceptionally smart or gifted or destined for greatness. I do not have a knack for languages or have great people skills. Writing for me is difficult and quite slow as is reading and comprehension. I don’t have natural talents that allow to excel in life. I think before I was under some delusion that I was special and I was going to be somebody really important and potentially even famous.

I was wrong. I don’t know why I felt this way. Perhaps I was under some delusion because of the minor achievements I had in life. Earning a decent GPA at Notre Dame, being recognized as a Notre Dame Scholar, being a Valedictorian and all. But now I realize that these aren’t that big of achievements. So, what if I have a 3.9 GPA that’s nothing to write home about. More importantly, these minor achievements weren’t achieved because I was smart, they were achieved because I simply worked harder then anyone else. I don’t absorb either, I am not improving, I am merely scraping by. People say political science is an easy major, they say I have taken easy classes. These classes were not easy for me, I put in countless hours into making my work just about average. And what were the opportunity costs of this time. Because I have devoted so much time into my scholarly career, I have completely neglected every other part of my life. Is this any way to live? I don’t know, but if I give any less time to my academics, where will I end up them. I am already a nobody, what happens if I stop trying?

This is why I think I struggle with what I want to do with my life. I want do end suffering I want to stop injustice. I cry at the thoughts of how the majority of the world lives and how nobody seems to give a damn about them. It’s really tough for me to walk by a beggar on my way to buy food and not feel sick to my stomach. I don’t care if they are begging for all the wrong reasons, they are none the less beggars and how insufferable would that existence be. At the same time, I don’t feel like I have the skills or the drive to be the one to actually do anything about this. I mean if I can’t even get a measly internship with the state department, what does that say about my chances of being able to alleviate their suffering. I have never really done anything special with my life. I have just been on autopilot, taking whatever road my path leads to me too. I haven’t done anything out of my own initiative or found myself really driven to make a difference anywhere. So why do I think I can make difference? In reality, I can’t.